Collected from the pages of my old forums at Techie.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison
ANAK: Tatay ano sa ingles ang lapis?
TATAY: Eh, di MONGOL.
KINABUKASAN…
ANAK: Tatay, mali naman sabi nyo yung inges ng lapis eh. Sabi ng teacher ko, PENCIL.
TATAY: Pag may tasa anak…”
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
teacher: ano ang plural ng woman?
pupil: women
teacher: good, ano naman ang plural ng child?
pupil: twins….
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan Bernie: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?! aaaahhhh !
Sakristan Bernie: Sister naman, Rosario po.
teacher: cno sa inyo ang gus2ng pumunta sa langit???
ako po sagot ng mga bata sabay taas ng kamay, maliban lng kay pedro…
teacher: perdro ayaw mo bang pumunta sa langit???
perdro: gus2 po!
teacher: bat di ka 2maas ng kamay??
perdro: pinapauwi po aq ng nanay q ng maaga eh.. gagabihin po ba?
Babae: Mahal, labing-labing naman tayo ngayong gabi. Kase sabi ng doctor ko may taning na ang buhay ko at hanggang bukas na lang ako mabubuhay.
Lalake: Ayoko nga! Maaga pa ako gigisng bukas eh, buti ikaw hindi na.
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. “Jerves,” she said.”Take off my dress.” He did this carefully.”Jerves,” she continued.” Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her. “Jerves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties.” As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She looked at him and then said, “Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.
He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”
Teacher: O.k. class, today we will be
translating english to tagalog. Who
would like to go first?
Student 1: I will go first mam.
Teacher: I want you to translate “I have a blue
book” in tagalog.
Student 1: That’s easy mam. “Meron
akong Libro na asul.”
Teacher: That’s very good. O.k., who
would like to go next?
Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, right
here, I want to go next.
Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you to
translate guy, mother, father, and you, and
put in a sentence.
Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madali
lang yan. “Guy” is Ma, “Mother” is mama,
“Father” is Tay, “You” is Ka.
Teacher: That’s good! O.k., now put
it in a sentence.
Student 2: No problem! Mam,
“Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka”.
Nagkita ang magkumpadre na matagal
na ring di nagkikita:
“Pare saan ka nag - tra- trabaho ngayon?”
“IBM, Pare”, ang sagot.”
“IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?”
“Istambay Buong Maghapon.”
“Eh ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?”
“Chemist, Pare”
“Chemist, paanong nangyari ‘yon eh, di ka naman
nag-college?”
“Ke Misis umaasa, Pare.”
May dalawang magkumpare na naglalakad sa kagubatan nang may makita silang puno ng star apol
PARE 1: Pare,nakikita mo ba ang nakikita ko?
PARE 2: Ano ‘yon pare?
PARE 1: ‘Yun puno ng star apple.
PARE 2: Ah oo nga pare ang daming bunga!
PARE 1: Kaya mo bang akyatin yan?
PARE 2: Oo naman.
Umakyat na si Pare 2………
PARE I: Pare ‘yun nasa likod mo kulay violet na,tingnan mo kung hinog na?
PARE 2: Oo pare hinog na hinog na!
PARE 1: O sige pare,bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko.
Category: Humor Post by Ryman
No Comments »
