The Talking Dog

This guys sees a sign in front of a house that says, “Talking Dod for Sale”. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes round the back and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“Do you talk?” the guy asks the dog.

“Sure do,” the dog replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was young. I wanted to help the government so I joined the FBI; and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. It worked really well because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. After a few years I was voted “Most Valuable Spy”. But then I got tired of it all, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. Later, I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed, and he goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog; and the owner says, “Ten dollars”.

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

And the owner replies, “Because he’s a liar. He’s never done any of that stuff.”

The Eating Panda

A giant panda goes into one of those expensive restaurants serving French/Asian fusion cuisine and takes a table for one. The surprised waiter explains that his name is Marcel, and that they have a number of specials, etc. The panda listens impassively to the list of $27 chili-pepper encrusted swordfish specials and so on, and then orders a delicately flavored dish of young bamboo tips and mixed greenery served with steamed jasmine rice. On finishing his meal, the panda gets up, reaches into his fur for a handgun, brings down the waiter with one shot, and calmly heads for the door. The head waiter is near the door and exclaims in shock, “Oh, monsieur, you ‘ave killed Marcel! You ‘ad some problem? Ze service was not acceptable?” The panda scowls at him and says, “I’m a damned panda. Go look it up.” And he walks off.

The baffled staff search the encyclopedia that they keep in the restaurant, and turning to Panda, giant, they read this:

Panda, giant large bear-like animal, Ailuropoda melanoleuca, with distinctive black and white markings, related to raccoon family. Rare; found only in bamboo forests of Tibet and western China. Eats shoots and leaves.

From: Hot English Magazine #8

Tags: english jokes, joke, jokes