Entries Tagged as 'Humor Post'

Filipino Wit

This came as a forwarded message from the group at Yahoo! to which I’m subscribed to. I think it has been passed around via email. This article is credited to the one who originally wrote it.

[start article]

FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT
Nury Vittachi - THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW

This week, we shall take a “reading tour” of one of the most spirited communities in Asia . The Philippines is full of word play. The local accent among many Filipinos, in which English words with “F” are spelled and pronounced with the sound of “P” and V is pronounced as “B” (because the Philippine alphabet has no letters F or V), is often used very cleverly, such as, the sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.

Much of the word play in the Philippines is deliberate with retailers and various businesses favouring a play on names of Western establishments and celebrities (Americans, in particular– -movie stars and entertainment personalities, especially). For example, there is a bread shop in Manila called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and Night, a garment shop called Elizabeth Tailoring, and a barber shop called Felix The Cut.

Reader Robert Harland also spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, and a Makati fast-food place selling “maruya” (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing, and a boutique called The Way We Wear ; a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental; a restaurant in the Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a local burger restaurant called Mang Donald’s, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop selling “lumpia” (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll, and two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.

Smart travellers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the “Taglish” (the Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino accent), such as, at a restaurant menu in Cebu : “We hab sopdrink in can an in batol” [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle]. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises [translation: Beads and Pieces –or– Bits and Pieces].

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to “correct” them. A reader named Antonio “Tonyboy” Ramon T. Ongsiako, (now there’s a truly Filipino name), contributed the following interesting Philippine signs and advertisements:

In a restaurant in Baguio City (the “summer capital” of the Philippines ): “Wanted: Boy Waitress”; on a highway in Pampanga: “We Make Modern Antique Furniture;” on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : “We Shoot You While You Wait;” and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila : “Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.”

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as, a shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: “We Sell Imported Robber Shoes” (these could be the “sneakiest” sneakers); and a rental property sign in Jaro, Iloilo reads: “House For Rent, Fully Furnaced” (it must really be hot inside)!

Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique–if not altogether odd. Reader Gunilla Edlund submitted a sign that she saw at the ticket booth in the ferry pier in Davao City in southern Philippines , which said: “Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation. ”

European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia, which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively- -(believe it or not)!

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because “. . .we are a country where a good sense of humour is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and retiring actors.

[end article]

The Test

A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!” Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to stay in the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why she asks such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets…”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut”

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry answered, “Bubble gum”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on three legs?”

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: “Shake hands”

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Fire truck”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!”

Points To Ponder

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it’s your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station….
what more can I say……….

Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect……
so why practice?

If it’s true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

How come “abbreviated” is such a long word ?

Money is not everything.
There’s Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don’t get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only
thing in life.

The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

“Your future depends on your dreams”
So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a
day than waking up every morning

“Hard work never killed anybody”
But why take the risk !

“Work fascinates me”
I can look at it for hours !

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two’s company,
three’s the result !

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without
restricting the view

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

A dog and a panda

The Talking Dog

This guys sees a sign in front of a house that says, “Talking Dod for Sale”. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes round the back and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“Do you talk?” the guy asks the dog.

“Sure do,” the dog replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking when I was young. I wanted to help the government so I joined the FBI; and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. It worked really well because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. After a few years I was voted “Most Valuable Spy”. But then I got tired of it all, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. Later, I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed, and he goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog; and the owner says, “Ten dollars”.

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

And the owner replies, “Because he’s a liar. He’s never done any of that stuff.”

The Eating Panda

A giant panda goes into one of those expensive restaurants serving French/Asian fusion cuisine and takes a table for one. The surprised waiter explains that his name is Marcel, and that they have a number of specials, etc. The panda listens impassively to the list of $27 chili-pepper encrusted swordfish specials and so on, and then orders a delicately flavored dish of young bamboo tips and mixed greenery served with steamed jasmine rice. On finishing his meal, the panda gets up, reaches into his fur for a handgun, brings down the waiter with one shot, and calmly heads for the door. The head waiter is near the door and exclaims in shock, “Oh, monsieur, you ‘ave killed Marcel! You ‘ad some problem? Ze service was not acceptable?” The panda scowls at him and says, “I’m a damned panda. Go look it up.” And he walks off.

The baffled staff search the encyclopedia that they keep in the restaurant, and turning to Panda, giant, they read this:

Panda, giant large bear-like animal, Ailuropoda melanoleuca, with distinctive black and white markings, related to raccoon family. Rare; found only in bamboo forests of Tibet and western China. Eats shoots and leaves.

From: Hot English Magazine #8

Joke box

Collected from the pages of my old forums at Techie.


There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison


ANAK: Tatay ano sa ingles ang lapis?
TATAY: Eh, di MONGOL.

KINABUKASAN…
ANAK: Tatay, mali naman sabi nyo yung inges ng lapis eh. Sabi ng teacher ko, PENCIL.
TATAY: Pag may tasa anak…”


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”


teacher: ano ang plural ng woman?
pupil: women

teacher: good, ano naman ang plural ng child?
pupil: twins….


MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
Sakristan Bernie: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susme! Bayag ang apelyido mo?! aaaahhhh !
Sakristan Bernie: Sister naman, Rosario po.


teacher: cno sa inyo ang gus2ng pumunta sa langit???
ako po sagot ng mga bata sabay taas ng kamay, maliban lng kay pedro…
teacher: perdro ayaw mo bang pumunta sa langit???
perdro: gus2 po!
teacher: bat di ka 2maas ng kamay??
perdro: pinapauwi po aq ng nanay q ng maaga eh.. gagabihin po ba?


Babae: Mahal, labing-labing naman tayo ngayong gabi. Kase sabi ng doctor ko may taning na ang buhay ko at hanggang bukas na lang ako mabubuhay.
Lalake: Ayoko nga! Maaga pa ako gigisng bukas eh, buti ikaw hindi na.


A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. “Jerves,” she said.”Take off my dress.” He did this carefully.”Jerves,” she continued.” Take off my stockings and garter.” He silently obeyed her. “Jerves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties.” As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, “Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”


A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”


Teacher: O.k. class, today we will be
translating english to tagalog. Who
would like to go first?

Student 1: I will go first mam.

Teacher: I want you to translate “I have a blue
book” in tagalog.

Student 1: That’s easy mam. “Meron
akong Libro na asul.”

Teacher: That’s very good. O.k., who
would like to go next?

Student 2: Ako po mam, me, me, right
here, I want to go next.

Teacher: O.k, o.k. I want you to
translate guy, mother, father, and you, and
put in a sentence.

Student 2: Yon lang pala eh, madali
lang yan. “Guy” is Ma, “Mother” is mama,
“Father” is Tay, “You” is Ka.

Teacher: That’s good! O.k., now put
it in a sentence.

Student 2: No problem! Mam,
“Ma-Mama-Tay-Ka”.


Nagkita ang magkumpadre na matagal
na ring di nagkikita:

“Pare saan ka nag - tra- trabaho ngayon?”

“IBM, Pare”, ang sagot.”

“IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?”

“Istambay Buong Maghapon.”

“Eh ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?”

“Chemist, Pare”

“Chemist, paanong nangyari ‘yon eh, di ka naman
nag-college?”

“Ke Misis umaasa, Pare.”


May dalawang magkumpare na naglalakad sa kagubatan nang may makita silang puno ng star apol

PARE 1: Pare,nakikita mo ba ang nakikita ko?

PARE 2: Ano ‘yon pare?

PARE 1: ‘Yun puno ng star apple.

PARE 2: Ah oo nga pare ang daming bunga!

PARE 1: Kaya mo bang akyatin yan?

PARE 2: Oo naman.

Umakyat na si Pare 2………

PARE I: Pare ‘yun nasa likod mo kulay violet na,tingnan mo kung hinog na?

PARE 2: Oo pare hinog na hinog na!

PARE 1: O sige pare,bumaba ka na at susungkitin ko.

:P